EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
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Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
how much for the angry fruit?
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
There’s never enough good news