*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
You Might Also Like
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
we all know this pain all too well
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.