My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
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Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”