Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
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[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Not my job 😂
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark