The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
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When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
peep davidson
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME: