Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
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Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.