I may be small, but so is a grenade.
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Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!