Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
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Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
huge if true: the moon
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.