[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
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Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally