Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
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That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Ferrari squats
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .