What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
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My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death