So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
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Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
At an art museum and I thought this was art
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
New tinder profile pic
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10