Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
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You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created