gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
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Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I’d love this…lol
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!