Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
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You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened