I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
You Might Also Like
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
The French word for sex is croissant.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft