How and why my FUR ROOM exists
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Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Meowchelangelo
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
No way!
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force