Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
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Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
My ideal weight is five million dollars
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*