Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
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Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”