If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
You Might Also Like
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Crying is a sign of leakness.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
bad news gang
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.