Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
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[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.