Pretty certain I can more drunk
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[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.