A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
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I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.