I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
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The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
The prophecy is fulfilled
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.