I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
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Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”