“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
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I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”