Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
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I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Me trying to “trust the process”
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy