[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
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Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…