it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
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I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.