Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
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Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.