I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
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A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
New mindset, who dis?
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn