Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
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Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*