Don’t talk down to me
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[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath