I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
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ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!