I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
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I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat