Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
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ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
a badder mouse
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.