Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
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BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.