somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
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After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.