😂😂
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Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.