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My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.