*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
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Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
This could be us, but you weedin’.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.