ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
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We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.