Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
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I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.