Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
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I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Bros before Ohioes
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*