7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
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My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
i can’t wait that long
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Milk Cube