You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
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ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
“OMGJK” -atheists
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Customize Your Wedding.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.