people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
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Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly