One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
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I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist