Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
You Might Also Like
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!