I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
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Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I saw nothing
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
🙄😏😂🤣
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen